The Alchemy of Pain

2010-01-27T12:04:00.004-05:00

I am like a Monarch Butterfly who has finally emerged from her chrysalis! It was a long, challenging and painful process, but I have arrived, with my wings, and you will too :) !

Trust me if you can,

Judy

well its been a while......

2010-01-23T22:43:00.002-05:00

.................and the good news is that I seem to be focusing on where I am going as opposed to where I have come. After six years, I was beginning to sense a change, feeling like I was approaching a crossroads. I found that I no longer desired to jump on the bereavement group page and didn't force myself to do so. I let it be to work itself out and I am glad to be back to comment about it. It has been a long, long road, but all's well that ends well. It is a process and I am glad to be where I am to share with you who may be just starting out down this road. Please stay in touch as I have more to share about the bereavement process than I could have ever imagined and I am now doing things that I would have never imagined.
Judy
http://www.petfitnation.com

Today

2009-08-29T14:10:00.006-04:00

Today I watched the funeral of Edward 'Ted' Kennedy. I can't help but wonder what it is going to be like going forward without a Kennedy of the older generations in our 'midst'. Nothing personal, Patrick. I am 50 years old and remember the day we lost John. I was 5 years old and was in the living room with my mother as she vacuumed. All of a sudden, the vacuum dropped out of her hands, she sat down, stared at the tv and became teary-eyed. I had no idea what was going on but if my mother was crying - I was paying attention! I can put myself in that place like it was yesterday.

For better or worse, there was always a ‘Kennedy” looming in our midst throughout my years. An amazing presence of one family like no other I can recall in my lifetime. Even during not the best of times, they were such a presence that everyone paid attention to what was going on, the hurt and consequences suffered, and, most importantly, the lessons to be learned. For me, personally, when I lost my fiance and couldn’t walk into the funeral home, my friend took my arm and repeated just three words in my ear, “Be Jackie Kennedy, Be Jackie Kennedy.” I wonder today if there is any other short message that could have been so concise and clear in directive at that moment.

Whether you like the politics or not, the beauty of today was the great celebration of a life of giving back, the celebration of a close, tight-knit family, the celebration of a man of compromise, empathy, compassion and enviable strength. Through all the private and public pain, tremendous loss and tragedy, Ted prevailed both publicly in effectively serving and privately in leading the family. He will always be an inspiration to us all in battling on and on and succeeding, despite it all, by becoming an effective human being in the face of ‘life’. RIP

Loss of our Dreams

2009-08-08T11:59:00.007-04:00

Acknowledgement of our fate is painful but when finally reconciled, it is very healing. In addition to acknowledging the loss of my dreams, i.e., a child, years of happiness with my soulmate, and possibly our home next yet to come to name just a few, it was really helpful to me when I acknowledged the loss of the girl i once knew - me. I no longer see the same, feel the same, hear the same, etc., but I must say, ALL FOR THE BETTER. This has been a life-altering journey, yes, and I must also say, it has been very life-enhancing as well, and for that I am most grateful under the circumstances. It was hard to let go of the girl that my friends, family and I had come to be quite comfortable with and love. She was such a shining star with her Nicholas! I tried to hold on long and fast, but once I truly acknowledged that I was changing beyond my control, I have really been thriving as opposed to just surviving. I am a shining star again only in a different and brighter sky. Don't give up.

Thought for the Day

2009-08-06T10:19:00.004-04:00

When we work WITH what has been sent our way as opposed to AGAINST it, the possibilities are endless.

Yes, Pissed, I'll Admit It

2009-07-21T18:22:00.004-04:00

Ok, so Sunday was a beautiful day and I took the train North a few stops up the Hudson River to Cold Spring. You know, one of those tiny little towns with antique shops and specialty shops and cute little places to eat outside. The weather couldn't have been better and it was a nice day. You know the rest - all day, I had to fight the images in my mind of Nicholas and I doing this exact day together, even more so because he loved the Hudson River and the mountains. It has taken me five and a half years to venture out again on outings such as these because I didn't want to deal with these exact feelings that hovered over and within me all day. But I did say yes when I was invited so I took that as a positive sign even though I had my trepidations. Since I said yes, I went through with it. Thank God for friends and family that don't stop 'asking' when others do. I did have a nice day but did come home exhausted, down and yes, pissed at my circumstances. It is Tuesday now and I am feeling better. My plan is that as long as I can 'do' it, I will, suffer the melancholy, and get 'good' at it. Things will never be the same - they just cannot be and that is a fact - but as I always say, practice makes perfect! Thanks Lorraine for continuing to ask.

11 Days

2009-07-18T13:32:00.010-04:00

"Those who dance...are thought mad...by those who hear not the music"

I am finally back after 11 days. I have been real busy and this time next week, I should be back full time again, blogging every day. I really miss this and my writing having been too distracted by 'life' to keep any flow coming. I have been advised to turn my memoirs into fiction form and was immediately affronted. "This is REAL" were my first thoughts! But I have been thinking alot about the suggestion and even gave it a try. Four pages, lol, but a start and I am actually excited about it. Can't wait till next week when I am free to blog again. Its funny how loss like ours changes our perspective on 'time', what is important, and the need to NOT put off today what we used to assume can be done tomorrow!

It's OK to Cry

2009-07-07T21:24:00.008-04:00

One thing I never had trouble doing or felt badly about was crying [just ask my friends and family lol]. Nothing like a good cry - how many times have you heard that? It is cleansing and releasing just like a good massage. I feel badly for people that I talk to and read that think there is someting wrong with them for crying. Where is it written that after 1 year, 2 years, you 'shouldn't' be crying anymore? Trust me when I tell you it is a lot less exhausting than fighting the desire to cry. We are going through one of the most monumental events of our lives - it is huge - and we are not supposed to cry.....??? I beg to differ and will never hide my tears. I deserve them and my soul deserves them because no matter how long it has been, I will always miss that part of my life here that is now waiting for me on the other Side. As always, be good to yourself, you deserve it,
Judy

Moving On

2009-07-05T13:10:00.007-04:00

What does 'move on' mean anyway? I work, provide for myself, meet my bills alone and have been able to keep our home, have inner peace [most of the time lol], have come to know myself like never before, have good friends, etc., etc., but just because I am not looking for another relationship, people still tell me, "Judy, it really is time that you move on, you know." Does the quality of my life depend on having someone else in my life? This really makes me laugh at how silly that statement is.

Fireworks of Celebration

2009-07-04T19:50:00.016-04:00

A few things I have resigned myself to: Holidays are always going to be tough; Walking through the tool section of Home Depot is always going to be tough; My birthday and his birthday will always be tough; Eating a piece of lemon merangue pie will always be tough; Living the rest of my life without my Nicholas will always be tough; need I go on? I have resigned myself to this unexpected reality.

My fireworks are very personal now. They occur in the privacy of my mind in all their glorious splendor, color and celebration. No more are they experienced on the waterfront with hundreds of people viewing and sharing them.

My personal fireworks represent and celebrate how I loved dearly and was so dearly loved back and will prevail over all other thoughts and events. This is where I must compromise. Rumor has it you can't have your cake and eat it too - hmmm, now where have I heard that before :) ? In every aspect of life, in fact, and we never like it, so why should this be any different or any easier to get accustomed to?

Be well all and good for you to all who have had the opportunity to have loved so dearly and been so dearly loved in return. Truly, we have been blessed!

Judy

Not Only a Weekend - But a Long Weekend

2009-07-02T23:26:00.007-04:00

......... and one that we are supposed to be partying and bbq'ing and shooting off colorful fireworks. If you are not in the mood, don't worry about it. If you are angry that you are not in the mood, don't worry about it. It is to be expected. 'Holidays' are tough. Don't know how we do it, but we do and that is all that matters to us and our loved ones. We are not alone, even if it feels like we are, and we will never be. Our loved ones who have gone Home before us are always in our corner, no matter what, so hold on to that. Be kind to yourself and be your own best friend!

A New Day

2009-07-01T18:59:00.004-04:00

Glad to report that today was a much better day and standing tall! I knew it would pass. As I always say, practice makes perfect :) !!!

Today

2009-06-30T19:05:00.006-04:00

Not one of my best days............ Hope yours was better. Going to chill with my cats :) and I'll see you tomorrow.

-Judy

Evolving Individuals

2009-06-29T21:13:00.009-04:00

One thing we all have in common is the natural evolution of self from one phase of life to the next. Even without the tragedies that we suffer along the way, we are always evolving, growing and changing. This is usually a process that goes unnoticed until we gradually realize that the things we used to like, we don't like anymore, the things we used to enjoy doing don't move us anymore, the books we used to read lay unread because of a lack of interest for that subject or author one day, even the food we desire changes, and I can go on and on.

Sometimes, we are shaken suddenly and change overnight when confronted with some unexpected loss and pain, either by a death, divorce, huge life changes out of our control like job loss or diagnosis of an illness, or whatever hits us that causes unexpected and sudden changes in our perspective on life and hence on how we live our life. This suddenness causes immense discomfort and uncertainty until we learn to live our lives with our newly jolted mind's eye.

If you are reading my blog, I assume that you have endured tremendous pain and I am writing this today to remind you that you have been through the mill, so to speak, and to remind you to be patient and be kind to yourself during this sudden and unnatural evolution of self. This is more of a learning process and you will learn to see clearly from your new mind's eye and adjust to your new path.

Best to all,
Judy

Unconditional Experience and Acceptance

2009-06-28T12:59:00.006-04:00

I was sitting in a doctor's office waiting room one day as I had driven a friend to her appointment. As I believe that there is a reason for every person, place and thing in our lives, no matter how small or inconsequential it may seem, I pay attention to what is going on around me and what people are saying. There is always something to pick up along the way if you pay attention - I like to call this unconditional experience or, really living in the moment.

Anyway, a cell phone rang and a woman across the room began speaking with a friend, oowing and aahing over what the caller was saying - apparently not good news, I thought to myself. After a pretty lengthy exchange, the woman said to her friend "Life doesn't give you what you want - it gives you what you get." I thought to myself "hhhmmm," that's it in a nutshell, isn't it? So simply put and so simply the truth.

My life has changed since accepting this truth. I am stronger emotionally and physically as I am not swimming against the tide anymore, but going with the flow. Nothing is going to change just because I am stressing out and upset, so there is no purpose going through all that, for very long anyway. As a human being, anger, sadness, etc., are only normal but should be moved through as quickly as possible with respect to every day occurrences. I face what is coming my way sooner than later now and am more clear headed about my choices without all that negative emotion going on. Practice makes perfect! Have a great day!

Beautiful Story

2009-06-27T16:39:00.008-04:00

Last evening, I was out at a graduation celebration. I don't know how it came up, but the bartender was telling me that he lost his wife of 34 years last August. I would have never guessed such a thing by his genuine demeanor and animated character. I was shocked when he told me this and said "Wow, you seem to be dealing very well with your loss." His reply to me was "my philosophy in life is if something is bothering me, I either change it or accept it. I cannot change the fact that my wife has been called Home, so I have accepted it."

He continued to tell me that he, of course, misses her presence and her companionship, but focuses on the wonderful life they had together, their two beautiful children, and realizes that "not everyone can say that and I am grateful for what I had."

I thought this was such a beautiful, honest story and at that moment, I said "Bobby, you will be the subject of my blog tomorrow!"

Thank you, Bobby, for sharing, and reminding me of the power of a grateful attitude :) !!!

Experience is the Best Teacher

2009-06-26T15:38:00.014-04:00

Today the world remembers Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson both going Home on the same day. Farrah fought her battle for a very long time and had the time to demonstrate that she is a portrait of strength and bravery. Michael left us suddenly. Farrah's friends and family were Blessed with time to 'prepare' if you will, but most importantly, time to share. I loved deeply and lost suddenly like Michael's loved ones. I can't think of one thing I would't give to have had time with Nicholas at his moment of passing.

I learned something, though, and that is the important thing now.

Live every moment to the fullest as tomorrow is not guaranteed. This is a cliche, I know, but now has special meaning to me as that day truly was our last without time to say goodbye. I live my life in a more enriching way now and take nothing for granted after all - Tragedy suffered without lessons learned is the worst tragedy of all.

RIP Farrah and Michael

I Do What I Can When I Can

2009-06-25T18:47:00.005-04:00

You are facing one of the most monumental challenges of your life and although your friends and family love you, they just want you to be 'fine' again. They feel pain when they see you in pain. The pain that we are going through is not conceivable to them [it wasn't to me either!] as usually those who tell you that it is time you have "moved on" have probably not been through something like this otherwise, I suspect they would know better.

My reply to all those who 'mean well' was and still is 'I do what I can when I can.' I found this reply to be respectful and at the same time, it served to take a lot of pressure off of myself to get back into the swing of things so to speak. I also found that when said, no further explanation was expected. Most importantly, constantly repeating those words, changes your own thinking and you really begin to live by it.

Days

2009-06-24T22:04:00.006-04:00

Take the good days, be grateful, and run with them. Take the bad days, respect them, and embrace them. This is where we are and it does NOT mean that we are losing ground or going backward.

Where Is It Written....

2009-06-23T20:06:00.004-04:00

....that it should take one month, six months, one year, two years, 5 years, etc., etc., to stop feeling sad and missing our loved ones that have passed? That is one thing that I never suffered from - counting the days, months, years that I am still sad and missing him. I gave myself the time and space to evolve under my new circumstances. It has been 5 and one half years since the loss of my fiance, Nicholas, and I am just starting now to feel like I am thriving again and morphing into the person I was meant to be at this time in my life. Nicholas was the love of my life, the one and only for me, the only man I would ever even consider marrying, and poof, look what happens - can't even begin to try to figure out why. I will always love him and I will always miss him. Sometimes it will be with sadness instead of joy for what I had, and sometimes I will cry, [besides the fact that I am a 50 yr. old woman with whacky hormones that can't be discounted either.... lol]. I just feel badly for those who write "it has been 2 years and I am still........". Its hard enough to build a new life without our beloveds so why add more pressure with supposed time limits? Best to all, Judy

Building a Foundation

2009-06-22T19:47:00.019-04:00

One of my fears on this blog is that my use of the words ' almost six years' is going to scare the heck out of you. The fact remains, though, that this is monumental task that we are faced with that cannot be forced. It is a slow process that deserves its due time.

If you find/found yourself in the same place as me - all of a sudden unable to walk in your own shoes - please read on. I am awoken one night and my life has come to a tragic and sudden halt. The shoes that helped me walk thousands of miles throughout my lifetime all of a sudden somehow are not even taking me one step, or so it seemed to me. Truth be told, I did get up, I did get dressed, and amazingly enough, I did get myself to the Airport and on a plane to where Nicholas lived and was at the time of his death, his homeland of Bermuda. When I think about those first moments now, truly, I question how the hell did I manage that???? Point being, I did it! Did I pat myself on the back for doing that? No. Did I ever pat myself on the back for everything else I accomplished while there? No. Did I ever pat myself on the back for getting back to work? No. Did I pat myself on the back for any of those seemingly small accomplishments during the last 5 years? No. As is normal, all I could think about was my pain and misery and loss of love and life with my Nicholas. Everything else was inconsequential. I had never been through anything like this before and had no idea how to deal or notice that I was even dealing.

To make this potentially long post a bit shorter if its not already too late :), I just want mention that you need to recognize your accomplishments, no matter how usual or rote they may be on a usual and 'normal' day. These days and the days yet to come are SO not usual and normal!

These little baby steps are all going to come together and build your foundation for you to continue to leave your foot prints upon and spring forth from when your foundation gets stronger with every step. This takes time, after all, baby steps are pretty tiny, but they MUST NOT go unnoticed. Every single, little thing you accomplish must be recognized and added to your arsenal to rebuild your life.

Please just go easy on yourself, remember to hug yourself, and indulge your pain because when you indulge your pain, you indulge your Soul. Your Soul is your essence and it will lead you forward if you allow it by tending to your/its needs. I don't know if I said this before, but there is no fast forward button with this movie but it is possible for it to have a fulfilling ending for you even if you can't see it now!

Until tomorrow, I wish you sweet dreams or no dreams.

Judy

First Day of Summer

2009-06-21T22:19:00.008-04:00

Some people come into your life for a season, because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelieveable amount of joy. Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

Judy

p.s. and Nan, I love you and miss you on this, your 2nd Anniversary.

Looking Back - The Cessation of Life as We Knew It

2009-06-20T12:40:00.006-04:00

Home. I walk into our home hysterical crying and my ears are humming with the sounds of silence. I look around. What do I do when I am home? I turn on some good jazz and begin cooking dinner with Nick afer a long day's work. Not today and not ever again. I can't remember - how does one breathe again?

This will always be hard to recall and hard to read for all of us who have reason to be at this blog. I have learned over time that that is ok. The pain does not go away. Facing that one monumental fact sets us on the path to our next just as monumental challenges: Accepting what is and not fighting what is. Realizing that we must create a new existence. Realizing that we have to do this when we don't even know who we are anymore. Easier said than done - understatement of the century! It took me years.

I don't mean to discourage you with the word years but let's face it, like I said, this is monumental stuff. I want to tell you though that once my mantra changed from "This is just not possible" to "I do what I can when I can," I felt the pressure to survive ease up a bit and 'survival' became what it should be - a process. One of the keys for me to be able to let this process take it's course was when I stopped listening to my friends and loved ones telling me "you should be on with your life by now." All I can say is that I love them all dearly and I know that they were just trying to help, but, at the same time, God bless them that they have no idea what I am going through and I am happy for them for that.

For me, my only task at first was to just get through every day at work so that I could take care of the very basics - food, clothing and shelter - and give myself the space and MY time to get through this. Truly, there is no fast forward button here so if you are feeling pressured to master this in society's time frame, it is only going to hinder your process.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it :) ! Please feel free to comment and tell us your story so far.

My best to all,

Judy

Weekends

2009-06-19T19:35:00.005-04:00

I remember weekends after my Nicholas passed. Never in my 44 years did I ever, ever think I would ever welcome a seven day work week. At least at work, I was a little distracted. Now what was I going to do with two whole days with zero motivation to do anything but lay around and think about Nicholas and cry and cry and cry. And so I did just that for a long time.

My thought for all of you who are just beginning your journey back, is that you WILL look forward to Fridays again - I promise. I know that you cannot even fathom that notion, neither could I, but it is true. In the meantime, I'd love to hear from you and help you through today as so many have helped me through many todays. E-hugs to all and I'll see you tomorrow,

Judy

Indulge Yourself

2009-06-18T14:03:00.005-04:00

I read with interest a post by someone who was feeling that he was not allowed to feel sorry for himself anymore over the loss of his wife 18 months ago. I also read with interest a reply by someone who told him to "grow up and get over himself". I am here to say loud and clear that growing up and/or getting over yourself has nothing to do with it. When you suffer the loss of a loved one, a major part of your life has changed, as did mine, and when I feel like having a pity party, I allow myself to do so. We cannot just ignore the longings of our soul and the more you indulge yourself/soul, the more you will grow and strengthen, and the fewer pity parties you will feel like having. We must honor our soul and partner with our soul and it will never let us down.

Don't Let Your Pain be in Vain

2009-06-17T22:55:00.005-04:00

Tragedy suffered without lessons learned is the worst tragedy of all. We share our tragedies and journeys back in the hopes that something we say might resonate with you and make your journey a bit less lonely and a bit more hopeful. I wish for all who have suffered that you will learn to embrace the person you are becoming because of your pain and wear it as something to rejoice in and not fear. I have been forever changed since the sudden loss of my fiance in a vehicle accident over 5 years ago. What I have become has been quite the blessing in disguise, but interestingly enough, one of the hardest to realize and accept, but once I did I haven't been happier or felt more Blessed! I will be posting about this in the future.